Wow. It’s been a while. I hope you’ve been doing just spectacularly, despite my lengthy absence.  Today marks my return to the blogosphere, and let’s be honest…you were just lost without me.  OK, so that’s clearly a bunch of bullshit. I’m sure you were just fine.  I do hope you’ve been well and that you’ve been out there in the world trying new food, new WODs, new lifts, and getting better every day.

Enough small talk. I’ve been missing mayonnaise. I like tuna salad. I like chicken salad. I’m sure there are other things with mayo that I like that aren’t a combination of a protein and the word ‘salad’. Ah, chipotle mayo atop a burger (sans bun, duh). Either way, every time I went on a quest to find quality mayo I was consistently let down. Every. Single. Mayonnaise. has freaking soybean oil in it. I mean every one. Even the ones with “Olive Oil” splattered across the label. SURE there’s some olive oil in there, but ingredient #2 will surely be soy. I’m not a big fan of eating soy. But how could that be? Isn’t soy the next great health food? Sure it is! If you like insane processed, chemically treated, estrogen behaving-like goop.  Sorry, my non-meat eating comrades. That stuff you’ve started making cheeses and burgers and tofurkey on Thanksgiving out of gives me the creeps.

So when we “bring out the best” we get this lovely list of ingredients:

Soybean Oil, Water, Whole eggs and egg yolks
Vinegar
Salt
Sugar
Lemon Juice
Calcium Disodium EDTA
Natural Flavors

Seems like a lot of ingredients. Sure, it starts out fine (except for the soy, again…duh) but then there we go getting smacked with a preservative chemical and those ever mysterious “natural flavors”.  The Olive Oil version of this brand (you can do that math here) is even worse. Take all of those that i just listed and add:

Modified potato starch (makes sense?)
Sorbic Acid
Oleoresin (huh?)

While the organic and natural mayos leave out the non-pronouncables, they still generally use corn, soy, or vegetable oil as their base.  I even found one where, on their own website do NOT list soybean oil as an ingredient, but them when the actual label was looked at…it magically appeared. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS read labels.

That’s that for my soybean soapbox, let’s get into the making of the mayo. I decided enough is enough and it’s about time I man up and just make my own. It’s by far the easiest thing I have ever made. All you need (equipment wise) is a food processor, blender, or a bowl, a whisk and some strong wrists.

Don't worry, I didn't let it sit in the sun!

Don’t worry, I didn’t let it sit in the sun!

Ingredients:

2 egg yolks
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
1 tbsp dijon mustard
1 1/2 cups olive oil
salt to taste

1) Put the yolks, vinegar, mustard and salt into the food processor and blitz for a few second until it’s blended.

This is the thickness we're going for.

This is the thickness we’re going for.

2) With the food processor running, start adding in the olive oil a few drips at a time. I’m not kidding here. You need to start out adding the olive oil super super slowly. We’re creating an emulsion , and in order for it to stay stable you gotta start out slow. Have some patience, people. When you see it’s starting to get a little thicker (after a tablespoon or two worth) then you can start streaming the rest of the olive oil in, keeping the processor running. Again, slow and steady here. It takes a couple of minutes but you will see it start to thicken up. When it’s at a good, mayonnaisey consistency you can go ahead and turn that bad boy off. Check the flavor. If it’s too thick, add a touch of water. Not thick enough? A bit more oil. That’s it. You’re done. Find a jar with a lid and store it in the fridge.

This is just the base for a million varieties. You can add lemon juice, chipotle peppers, garlic, pretty much anything to flavor this stuff up.

Try it once and I swear, you’ll never buy mayonnaise again.